I need help, I don't know what to do

[SilverBullet]

So, it's a long story, but I'll try to keep it short.

I've been married for almost 6 years, and my brother in law is in his late 20's. Both parents are deceased, and he went straight from high school into the Army for 8 years. He had 4 tours in Iraq, and decided to call it quits. He was married once, and it didn't work. We think he got married simply to have "someone" at home he could come back to, but he'd never admit it.

Even though he was in the Army for that long, and was deployed most of the time, he has nothing to show for it in terms of savings.. He was making good money, and he's somehow spent it all. He even received about $20k as a beneficiary, and blew it all.

He doesn't want to go to college and doesn't want to go to trade school or anything. In my opinion, he has no motivation to do anything with his life. He currently makes not much more than minimum wage stocking shelves. He splits rent with a cousin and friend, but most times can't pay it or can't pay it all. He's borrowed money from family, and in some cases still owes probably.

He's been dating this girl for awhile (a year +) that he went to high school with. They split up several times, all of the times there was a HUGE blow out and things were pretty bad. We bailed him out several times when he needed a place to stay.

He ended back with this girl, and his entire family wants nothing to do with her. She is manipulative and just completely insane, as is her family and friends. She has two daughters from a previous marriage. She's been involved in multiple protetive orders, either for or against her. She has been evicted out of several apartments/rental houses, and has had warrents for her arrest twice for expired tags.

Despite all we have done/said, he is still with her and we have no idea why. It is tearing my wife and her (his) family up, and he doesn't seem to care. If he does happen to hang out with his family, he's either in a bad mood because she isn't with him or he makes excuses to leave so he can go see her. The latest awesomeness was that they kept telling us her car was in the shop, so she was driving his truck to/from work, etc. Well, it turns out her car was repo'd because she couldn't make payments.

Tonight was the last straw though for me.. I was washing dishes and I heard the garage door open, so I knew my wife was home from dinner with a girlfriend. A few minutes go by, and she hadn't come in.. Next thing I know, I hear my wife balling her eyes out on the floor of the garage. At first I though someone had died, and she told me she was having a break down. Turns out, the girlfriend is now pregnant (hasn't been confirmed by a Dr. yet though, so there is hope). The worst part is, my brother in law texted my wife.... and because of the estranged situation, she can't be happy for her brother!!

It's such a MESSED, messed up situation. My wife literally is in tears over the whole thing just about every day. Her brother is her only "blood" left, and she doesn't want to lose him but at the same time, we can't support the relationship in. The other day, her brother basically said he's willing to walk away from his family for this girl.. and we have no idea why!! She is completely irresponsible and immature.

So, sorry for the rant but I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

[wingnut]

unfortunately, theres not much you guys can do...hes a big boy and is gonna make his own mistakes with the ladies.

...and to complicate things yall have that "hes the only one left" connundrum dangling over your wifes head.

i would say give the man some space to live his life and get your wife un-involved in any way, shape, or fashion!

[Hammer]

You need to see a family counselor. A 3rd party to set ground rules for your wife. Otherwise it becomes you vs your wife and her brother. For the sake of your marriage you need outside help of this fashion. Granted you can tell her yourself but then you become the bad guy and it puts the problems that crop up on you. That is why a 3rd party works.

[GTOJOE]

Nothing you can do dude. He has made a choice and he will have to live with it. Just don't lend him any money.

[BaadVR4]

You need to see a family counselor. A 3rd party to set ground rules for your wife. Otherwise it becomes you vs your wife and her brother. For the sake of your marriage you need outside help of this fashion. Granted you can tell her yourself but then you become the bad guy and it puts the problems that crop up on you. That is why a 3rd party works. "

Exactly.

[Roybatty]

Nothing you can do dude. He has made a choice and he will have to live with it. Just don't lend him any money.

Good advice.
It seems we all have relatives/inlaws like this. You can't choose them, or "it comes with the package." Your first point about the brother not having cash. He does have money, he just spends it on what he wants to and suddenly appears when he doesn't have much and laments. Avoid dealing with money and relatives if you haven't made this mistake already.

It sux because the wife feels responsible for him and it sounds like they were close. I would suggest being supportive, give council, but not financially, to whatever he wants. You can try to be that rational voice to your brother in law, sounds like he needs it; a beer summit. As noted, hes an adult and is free to make choices, you can't force him in to anything. Unfortunately hes making some sh!tty decisions and dragging everyone else down with him. Gotta try to have your wife accept some separation from the brother IMHO.

[91stealthrt2]

Pretty good advise so far.

My opinion is pretty much the same, cut him off from any financial help, and get some counseling for your wife and yourself.

Unfortunately a lot of people in our generation seem to have this attitude that they don't want to make themselves better, or be responsible. I'm pretty young but a lot of the kids and young adults that I manage at work are soo financially stupid it pisses me of. Most of them have multiple kids and shitty relationships with family and/or their spouse.

[Lugnut]

My .02 cents says figure out what you really want from the situation and go from there .. What are your real goals here ??? Once you have that sorted out, explain it to your wife and just stand firm ..