Update for those curious about the issue- I have good and bad news.
The bad: I finally got some time off work and pulled the pan. Inside I discovered a thick puddle of black sludge which contained large chunks of a decomposing paper towel. Just to clarify, I'm a mechanic by trade so I only use red cotton rags. But while my dignity remains intact, that must mean that crap has been in there for years.

I would have preferred a cracked pickup tube over this...
The good: The oil strainer did it's job well but was obviously blocked as a result. There's was just a few fine particles of bearing material in the pan and no heat marks on the rods/crank. I still plan to replace the oil pump, strainer, and bearings while I have it apart. God knows what they've been through. But on the bright side, this could have been MUCH worse.
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